fat-adapted

(art by http://rachelecateyes.weebly.com/)

it’s really important to me to live a keto life from a place of love, and gratitude, and acceptance of my body. my body today, exactly how it is right this minute – not some future ideal, not in comparison to anyone else.

i can only speak for myself, but i know i’ve lived with this self-imposed, societally-enforced pressure to have a better body.

i’ve been told i should wait to buy clothes until i lose a little more weight

i’ve been told that i’m pretty now, but i was BEAUTIFUL when i was skinnier

i’ve been told that i’ll never take the next step in my career if i’m fat

i’ve been asked “when were you ever skinny?”

i’ve been told that the body i have now isn’t the image i want to portray for my daughter

i’ve been told that i’m the fattest person on this street

i’ve been told that if i don’t immediately lose my pregnancy weight, i never will (guess what, i didn’t lose it)

i’ve been told i’m too fat to go running

i’ve been called lazy, complacent, indulgent

i’ve been informed that you can see my rolls through my clothes or that my bathing suit isn’t flattering

i’ve been asked if i know how bad my food is for me

i’ve compared myself to my pre-teen size, to skinnier friends, to my family, to strangers on my commute, to Victoria’s Secret swimsuit models

i’ve cried in dressing rooms and i’ve stayed home when nothing in my closet looks right

this is how it’s been since i was 17, and my hormones exploded, and i suddenly shot from a size 10 to a size 20 and didn’t know where this body came from. i counted every carb the summer before i left for college so people would like me when they met me.

this is my reality. i feel shame about my body, and then i feel angry about that shame, and then i empower myself, and then i feel shame for feeling empowered about “this.” i count every calorie, and then i eat whatever i want because i’m embracing my body, and then i count every calorie because yikes, why would you embrace that body?

so, anyway.  now that i’m a parent in my 30s, for the first time i’ve worked really, really hard on true self-acceptance and body positivity.

for example: i like donuts. this year i’ve been really working on the internal dialogue that happens when i eat one.

instead of hearing “you deserve this” or “it’s just one” or “everyone else is doing it” or “you’re beautiful in spite of your food choices” or “now you’re really going to be pudgy” or “the whole day is ruined, order pizza” or “you just threw away all your progress” or “people are watching you, a fat woman, eating a donut and they’re judging you” or “don’t tell anyone” – just have a donut and don’t feel anything about it. that’s really hard when you’ve been carrying around so much shame, when you have this internal conversation every time you consume literally anything.

in 2017 i worked hard to eat what i wanted with intention, not as a “fuck you” to all  the restriction and body shame in my past, but as an exercise in forgiveness. like, let it go.

honestly i have good self-esteem. i know i’m a great example for my kid, and that i’m pretty, and that my worth is not defined by my waist and that there’s #nowrongway to have a body. i feel fine and accepting of how i look and who i am. i don’t feel like i need to hear it from anyone else for it to be true, and i feel really healed in a lot of those ways.

health-wise, my blood pressure is perfect, my cholesterol is great, my blood sugar is normal. i weigh more than my doctors would like me to, but everyone agrees i’m in good health.

so the difference for me, now, is that as i make this transition to a ketogenic lifestyle once again, i need to do it anchored in this gratitude for my body.

i carry my weight in my belly, which indicates a greater risk for heart health issues and diabetes down the line. i’ve already had four knee surgeries – clearly the less my legs have to bear, the easier it’ll be on them. i’ve got polycystic ovaries and nodules in my thyroid and hormonal issues since puberty.

i’m not cutting sugar because i’m gross or bad or fat, or because i’d look better. i’m living a lchf life because my endocrine system can’t process carbohydrates, and i need to fuel my body with food i can metabolize, so i can live a longer life with the people i love. no shame, just science.

this blog is going to be an outlet: for my progress, for recipes, for resources i find along the way. and a big part of it is going to be body positivity, because that’s the only way this works. no guilt, no regret, no looking back.

feels good to be fat-adapted.

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